On My Radar:

The Hot One: A Memoir of Friendship, Sex, and Murder
by Carolyn Murnick
Simon & Schuster
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

A gripping memoir of friendship with a tragic twist—two childhood best friends diverge as young adults, one woman is brutally murdered and the other is determined to uncover the truth about her wild and seductive friend.

As girls growing up in rural New Jersey in the late 1980s, Ashley and Carolyn had everything in common: two outsiders who loved spending afternoons exploring the woods. Only when the girls attended different high schools did they begin to grow apart. While Carolyn struggled to fit in, Ashley quickly became a hot girl: popular, extroverted, and sexually precocious.

After high school, Carolyn entered college in New York City and Ashley ended up in Los Angeles, where she quit school to work as a stripper and an escort, dating actors and older men, and experimenting with drugs. The last time Ashley visited New York, Carolyn was shocked by how the two friends had grown apart. One year later, Ashley was stabbed to death at age twenty-two in her Hollywood home.

The man who may have murdered Ashley—an alleged serial killer—now faces trial in Los Angeles. Carolyn Murnick traveled across the country to cover the case and learn more about her magnetic and tragic friend. Part coming-of-age story, part true-crime mystery, The Hot One is a behind-the-scenes look at the drama of a trial and the poignancy of searching for the truth about a friend’s truly horrifying murder.

In My TBR Stack:

Two and Two: McSorley's, My Dad, and Me
by Rafe Bartholomew
Little Brown
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

Since it opened in 1854, McSorley's Old Ale House has been a New York institution. This is the landmark watering hole where Abraham Lincoln campaigned and Boss Tweed kicked back with the Tammany Hall machine. Where a pair of Houdini's handcuffs found their final resting place. And where soldiers left behind wishbones before departing for the First World War, never to return and collect them. Many of the bar's traditions remain intact, from the newspaper-covered walls to the plates of cheese and raw onions, the sawdust-strewn floors to the tall-tales told by its bartenders.

But in addition to the bar's rich history, McSorley's is home to a deeply personal story about two men: Rafe Bartholomew, the writer who grew up in the landmark pub, and his father, Geoffrey "Bart" Bartholomew, a career bartender who has been working the taps for forty-five years.

On weekends, Rafe Bartholomew would tag along for the early hours of his dad's shift, polishing brass doorknobs, watching over the bar cats, and handling other odd jobs until he grew old enough to join Bart behind the bar. McSorley's was a place of bizarre rituals, bawdy humor, and tasks as unique as the bar itself: protecting the decades-old dust that had gathered on treasured artifacts; shot-putting thirty-pound grease traps into high-walled Dumpsters; and trying to keep McSorley's open through the worst of Hurricane Sandy. But for Rafe, the bar means home. It's the place where he and his father have worked side by side, serving light and dark ale, always in pairs, the way it's always been done. Where they've celebrated victories, like the publication of his father's first book of poetry, and coped with misfortune, like the death of Rafe's mother. Where Rafe learned to be part of something bigger than himself and also how to be his own man.

By turns touching, crude, and wildly funny, Rafe's story reveals universal truths about family, loss, and the bursting history of one of New York's most beloved institutions.

On My Radar:

The Cooperstown Casebook: Who's in the Baseball Hall of Fame, Who Should Be In, and Who Should Pack Their Plaques
by Jay Jaffe
St. Martin's Press
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

The National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum, tucked away in upstate New York in a small town called Cooperstown, is far from any major media market or big league stadium. Yet no sports hall of fame’s membership is so hallowed, nor its qualifications so debated, nor its voting process so dissected. 

Since its founding in 1936, the Hall of Fame’s standards for election have been nebulous, and its selection processes arcane, resulting in confusion among voters, not to mention mistakes in who has been recognized and who has been bypassed. Numerous so-called “greats” have been inducted despite having not been so great, while popular but controversial players such as all-time home run leader Barry Bonds and all-time hits leader Pete Rose are on the outside looking in.

Now, in The Cooperstown Casebook, Jay Jaffe shows us how to use his revolutionary ranking system to ensure the right players are recognized. The foundation of Jaffe’s approach is his JAWS system, an acronym for the Jaffe WAR Score, which he developed over a decade ago. Through JAWS, each candidate can be objectively compared on the basis of career and peak value to the players at his position who are already in the Hall of Fame. Because of its utility, JAWS has gained an increasing amount of exposure in recent years. Through his analysis, Jaffe shows why the Hall of Fame still matters and how it can remain relevant in the 21st century.

In My TBR Stack:

Phenomena: The Secret History of the U.S. Government's Investigations into Extrasensory Perception and Psychokinesis
by Annie Jacobsen
Little Brown
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

This is a book about a team of scientists and psychics with top secret clearances.

For more than forty years, the U.S. government has researched extrasensory perception, using it in attempts to locate hostages, fugitives, secret bases, and downed fighter jets, to divine other nations' secrets, and even to predict future threats to national security. The intelligence agencies and military services involved include CIA, DIA, NSA, DEA, the Navy, Air Force, and Army-and even the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 

Now, for the first time, New York Times bestselling author Annie Jacobsen tells the story of these radical, controversial programs, using never before seen declassified documents as well as exclusive interviews with, and unprecedented access to, more than fifty of the individuals involved. Speaking on the record, many for the first time, are former CIA and Defense Department scientists, analysts, and program managers, as well as the government psychics themselves.

Who did the U.S. government hire for these top secret programs, and how do they explain their military and intelligence work? How do scientists approach such enigmatic subject matter? What interested the government in these supposed powers and does the research continue? Phenomena is a riveting investigation into how far governments will go in the name of national security.

On My Radar:

Dangerous Ground: My Friendship with a Serial Killer
by M. William Phelps
Kensington Book
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

“Anyone can become a killer under the right circumstances—even you.” 

For the first time, award-winning investigative journalist M. William Phelps reveals the identity of “Raven,” the serial killer who co-starred with him on Dark Minds—and tells the story of his intriguing bond with one of America’s most disturbing killers. 

In September 2011, M. William Phelps made a bold decision that would change the landscape of reality-based television – and his own life. He asked a convicted serial killer to act as a consultant for his TV series. Under the code name “Raven,” the murderer shared his insights into the minds of other killers and helped analyze their crimes. As the series became an international sensation, Raven became Phelps’s unlikely confidante, ally—and friend.

“I’m not making excuses for the eight murders I committed.”

In this deeply personal account, Phelps traces his own family’s dark history, and takes us into the heart and soul of a serial murderer. He also chronicles the complex relationship he developed with Raven. From questions about morality to Raven’s thoughts on the still-unsolved, brutal murder of Phelps’s sister-in-law, the author found himself grappling with an unwanted, unexpected, unsettling connection with a cold-blooded killer. 

“It made me feel warm inside to know that I was responsible for that pain . . .”

Drawing on over 7,000 pages of letters, dozens of hours of recorded conversations, personal and Skype visits, and a friendship five years in the making, Phelps sheds new light on Raven’s bloody history, including details of an unknown victim, the location of a still-buried body—and a jaw-dropping admission. Eye-opening and provocative, Dangerous Ground is an unforgettable journey into the mind of a charming, manipulative psychopath that few would dare to know—and the determined journalist who did just that.

On My Radar:

The Stars in Our Eyes: The Famous, The Infamous, And Why We Care Too Much About Them
by Julie Klam
Riverhead Books
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

“When I was young I was convinced celebrities could save me,” Julie Klam admits in The Stars in Our Eyes, her funny and personal exploration of fame and celebrity. As she did for subjects as wide-ranging as dogs, mothers, and friendship, Klam brings her infectious curiosity and crackling wit to the topic of celebrity. As she admits, “I’ve always been enamored with celebrities,” be they movie stars, baseball players, TV actors, and now Internet sensations. “They are the us we want to be.” Celebrities today have a global presence and can be, Klam writes, “some girl on Instagram who does nude yoga and has 3.5 million followers, a thirteen-year-old ‘viner,’ and a Korean rapper who posts his videos that are viewed millions of times.”

In The Stars in Our Eyes, Klam examines this phenomenon. She delves deep into what makes someone a celebrity, explains why we care about celebrities more than ever, and uncovers the bargains they make with the public and the burdens they bear to sustain this status. The result is an engaging, astute, and eye-opening look into celebrity that reveals the truths about fame as it elucidates why it's such an important part of life today.

On My Radar:

Last of the Giants: The True Story of Guns N' Roses
by Mick Wall
Lesser Gods
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

With the original lineup reunited, Guns N’ Roses is packing stadiums again, thirty years after their landmark debut, Appetite for Destruction.

Guns N’ Roses is what every rock band since the Rolling Stones has tried to be: dangerous. They exploded of the ’80s glam metal scene and boldly redefined rock ’n’ roll for a new era.

Mick Wall met Guns N’ Roses when the band members lived together at the infamous “Hell House” in Los Angeles and became a part of their inner circle. Thanks to Wall’s longtime friendship and connections with Guns N’ Roses, he conducted exclusive interviews with all the original members and, for the first time, their original managers, who were down in the trenches with Guns N’ Roses (from 1986 to 2004). They share all-new revelations about the band’s rock-star debauchery in the studio, on tour and behind the scenes.

Last of the Giants is a celebration of Guns N’ Roses: the last of the extraordinary, excessive, not-giving-a-shit rock stars.

On My Radar:

The Ultimate Sh*t Hits the Fan Survival Guide: How to Live Through Any Catastrophe
by Len McDougall
Skyhorse Publishing
Trade Paperback

From the publisher's website:

The world is changing before our very eyes. Today we deal with serious social, political, economic, and environmental issues that affect our everyday lives. With this change we must adapt, and by adapt we mean be prepared to survive when things go south and society crumbles.

Len McDougall has spent his entire life—almost sixty years—learning the nuts and bolts of staying alive under adverse conditions. And now more than ever will we need to take his lessons seriously, as understanding what to expect and how to adapt will increase the odds for survival.

The Ultimate Sh*t Hits the Fan Survival Guide is just that. Featuring methods that have been personally tested through hard, field-proven experiences, you will learn everything needed to survive when things fall apart and you’re left to fend for yourself.

Included in this book are many lessons on survival, including:

• The best method of starting a fire.

• Obtaining portable water from any body of water or stream without using tools, fire, or chemicals.

• The simplest method for catching a meal.

• Surviving in possible combat, whether through weapon training or hand-to-hand.

• And so much more.

Times are indeed changing, and it’s now a necessity to be prepared for whatever obstacles may come your way. The Ultimate Sh*t Hits the Fan Survival Guide is just that; a collection of tips, tricks, lessons, and knowledge from a professional survivalist that will make sure you will not only survive, but thrive when catastrophe strikes.

On My Radar:

On This Date: From the Pilgrims to Today, Discovering America One Day at a Time
by Carl M. Cannon
Grand Central Publishing
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

Forget what you were taught in seventh grade-this riveting book takes readers down American history's back alleys and side streets.

From the arrival of the Mayflower through the 2016 election, ON THIS DATE explores five hundred years of American history, revealing a compelling tale for each day in the calendar year.

Drawing from Carl M. Cannon's popular RealClearPolitics' "Morning Note," ON THIS DATE is focused on fascinating -- and sometimes unknown -- stories behind specific dates in U.S. history: What inspired Abraham Lincoln to grow his famous beard, what Dwight Eisenhower really thought about playing football against the great Jim Thorpe, the legal grounds for the first American divorce, who wrote "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" -- and who profited from it.

Colorful yet authoritative, ON THIS DATE debunks some popular myths and celebrates America's forgotten heroes.

On My Radar:

Devil's Bargain: Steve Bannon, Donald Trump, and the Storming of the Presidency
by Joshua Green
Penguin Press
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

Based on dozens of interviews conducted over six years, Green spins the master narrative of the 2016 campaign from its origins in the far fringes of right-wing politics and reality television to its culmination inside Trump’s penthouse on election night.

The shocking elevation of Bannon to head Trump’s flagging presidential campaign on August 17, 2016, hit political Washington like a thunderclap and seemed to signal the meltdown of the Republican Party. Bannon was a bomb-throwing pugilist who’d never run a campaign and was despised by Democrats and Republicans alike.  

Yet Bannon’s hard-edged ethno-nationalism and his elaborate, years-long plot to destroy Hillary Clinton paved the way for Trump’s unlikely victory. Trump became the avatar of a dark but powerful worldview that dominated the airwaves and spoke to voters whom others couldn’t see. Trump’s campaign was the final phase of a populist insurgency that had been building up in America for years, and Bannon, its inscrutable mastermind, believed it was the culmination of a hard-right global uprising that would change the world.

Any study of Trump’s rise to the presidency is unavoidably a study of Bannon. Devil’s Bargain is a tour-de-force telling of the remarkable confluence of circumstances that decided the election, many of them orchestrated by Bannon and his allies, who really did plot a vast, right-wing conspiracy to stop Clinton. To understand Trump’s extraordinary rise and Clinton’s fall, you have to weave Trump's story together with Bannon's, or else it doesn't make sense.

In My TBR Stack:

Ways of Grace: Stories of Activism, Adversity, and How Sports Can Bring Us Together
by James Blake with Carol Taylor
Amistad Books
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

Inspired by Arthur Ashe’s bestselling memoir Days of Grace, a collection of positive, uplifting stories of seemingly small acts of grace from across the sports world that have helped to bridge cultural and racial divides.

Like many people of color, James Blake has experienced the effects of racism firsthand—publicly—first at the U.S. Open, and then in front of his hotel on a busy Manhattan street, where he was tackled and handcuffed by a police officer in a case of "mistaken identity." Though rage would have been justified, Blake faced both incidents with dignity and aplomb. 

In Ways of Grace he reflects on his experiences and explores those of other sports stars and public figures who have not only overcome adversity, but have used them to unite rather than divide, including: 

Aisam-Ul-Haq Qureshi, a Pakistani Muslim and Amir Hadad, an Israeli Jew, who despite the conflicts of their countries, paired together in the 2002 Wimbledon men’s doubles draw. 

Muhammad Ali, who transcended racism with a magnetic personality and a breathtaking mastery of boxing that was unparalleled. 

Nelson Mandela, who spent twenty-seven years in prison for his commitment to social reform, peace, and equality yet never gave up his battle to end apartheid—a struggle that led to his eventual freedom and his nation's transition to black majority rule.

Groundbreaking tennis legend Arthur Ashe, who was a model of courage, elegance, and poise on the court and off; a gifted player who triumphed in the all-white world of professional tennis, and became one of his generation's greatest players. 

Weaving together these and other poignant and unforgettable stories, Blake reveals how, through seemingly small acts of grace, we can confront hatred, bigotry, and injustice with virtue—and use it to propel ourselves to greater heights.

On My Radar:

Revenge of the Nerd: Or...The Singular Adventures of the Man Who Would Be Booger
by Curtis Armstrong
Thomas Dunne Books
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

Risky Business. Revenge of the Nerds. Better Off Dead. Moonlighting. Supernatural. American Dad. New Girl. What do all of these movies and television shows have in common?

Curtis Armstrong.

A legendary comedic second banana to a litany of major stars, Curtis is forever cemented in the public imagination as Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. A classically trained actor, Curtis began his incredible 40-year career on stage but progressed rapidly to film and television. He was typecast early and it proved to be the best thing that could have happened. 

But there’s more to Curtis’ story than that. 

Born and bred a nerd, he spent his early years between Detroit, a city so nerdy that the word was coined there in 1951, and, improbably, Geneva, Switzerland. His adolescence and early adulthood was spent primarily between the covers of a book and indulging his nerdy obsessions. It was only when he found his true calling, as an actor and unintentional nerd icon, that he found true happiness. With whip-smart, self-effacing humor, Armstrong takes us on a most unlikely journey—one nerd’s hilarious, often touching rise to the middle. He started his life as an outcast and matured into…well, an older, slightly paunchier, hopefully wiser outcast.

In Hollywood, as in life, that counts as winning the game.

On My Radar:

A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal
by Jen Waite
Plume Books
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

“Like Big Little Lies, A Beautiful Terrible Thing is a startling reminder that fairy tales aren’t real. A master class in suspenseful storytelling, Jen Waite recounts the lies, betrayals, and infidelity she endured with unrestrained honesty and deft candor. I couldn’t turn away.”
—Jillian Lauren, New York Times bestselling author of Some Girls: My Life in a Harem and Everything You Ever Wanted
What do you do when you discover that the person you’ve built your life around never existed? When “it could never happen to me” does happen to you?
These are the questions facing Jen Waite when she begins to realize that her loving husband—the father of her infant daughter, her best friend, the love of her life—fits the textbook definition of psychopath. In a raw, first-person account, Waite recounts each heartbreaking discovery, every life-destroying lie, and reveals what happens once the dust finally settles on her demolished marriage.

After a disturbing email sparks Waite’s suspicion that her husband is having an affair, she tries to uncover the truth and rebuild trust in her marriage. Instead, she finds more lies, infidelity, and betrayal than she could have imagined. Waite obsessively analyzes her relationship, trying to find a single moment from the last five years that isn’t part of the long-con of lies and manipulation. With a dual-timeline narrative structure, we see Waite’s romance bud, bloom, and wither simultaneously, making the heartbreak and disbelief even more affecting.

“Like Big Little Lies, A Beautiful Terrible Thing is a startling reminder that fairy tales aren’t real. A master class in suspenseful storytelling, Jen Waite recounts the lies, betrayals, and infidelity she endured with unrestrained honesty and deft candor. I couldn’t turn away.”
—Jillian Lauren, New York Times bestselling author of Some Girls: My Life in a Harem and Everything You Ever Wanted
What do you do when you discover that the person you’ve built your life around never existed? When “it could never happen to me” does happen to you?
These are the questions facing Jen Waite when she begins to realize that her loving husband—the father of her infant daughter, her best friend, the love of her life—fits the textbook definition of psychopath. In a raw, first-person account, Waite recounts each heartbreaking discovery, every life-destroying lie, and reveals what happens once the dust finally settles on her demolished marriage.

After a disturbing email sparks Waite’s suspicion that her husband is having an affair, she tries to uncover the truth and rebuild trust in her marriage. Instead, she finds more lies, infidelity, and betrayal than she could have imagined. Waite obsessively analyzes her relationship, trying to find a single moment from the last five years that isn’t part of the long-con of lies and manipulation. With a dual-timeline narrative structure, we see Waite’s romance bud, bloom, and wither simultaneously, making the heartbreak and disbelief even more affecting.

On My Radar:

Everything All At Once: How to Unleash Your Inner Nerd, Tap Into Radical Curiosity, and Solve Any Problem
by Bill Nye
Edited by Corey S. Powell
Rodale Books
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

Everyone has an inner nerd just waiting to be awakened by the right passion. In Everything All At Once, Bill Nye will help you find yours. With his call to arms he wants you to examine every detail of the most difficult problems that look unsolvable—that is, until you find the solution. Bill shows you how to develop critical thinking skills and create change, using his “everything all at once” approach that leaves no stone unturned.

Whether addressing climate change, the future of our society as a whole, personal success, or stripping away the mystery of fire walking, there are certain strategies that get results: looking at the world with relentless curiosity, being driven by a desire for a better future, and being willing to take the actions needed to make change happen. He shares how he came to create this approach—starting with his Boy Scout training (it turns out that a practical understanding of science and engineering is immensely helpful in a capsizing canoe) and moving through the lessons he learned as a full-time engineer at Boeing, a stand-up comedian, CEO of The Planetary Society, and of course, as Bill Nye The Science Guy.

This is the story of how Bill Nye became Bill Nye, how he became a champion of change and an advocate of science. It’s how he became The Science Guy. Bill teaches us that we have the power to make real change. Join him in... dare we say it... changing the world.

Guest Post:

Today's guest post is by Nikki DuBose, author of Washed Away: From Darkness to Light

Self-Image 

Inner beauty: you can’t sell it, but it’s your most important feature. Every month on magazine covers, we buy into the promise of “ten steps to…” a better body, bank account, romance, and more, but we hardly focus on the one thing that really matters, which is our souls. 


Real happiness is found on the inside. However, we rush off to the stores in an effort to buy our way to true bliss, and this is what keeps us perpetually trapped in the advertising illusion. Things are not bad, neither is wanting to be beautiful, but our minds, souls, and emotions are precious, and they make up the foundation to which all other forms of joy grow. If our minds are out of balance, then how can we expect to ever be truly happy? If we fail to nourish our souls first, then we will never see ourselves as truly beautiful, and we may constantly look to others to validate us. 

In my memoir, Washed Away: From Darkness to Light, I talk about my life from the ages of two to twenty-seven, and how abuse and domestic violence distorted my self-image. Later, as a professional model, I carried a plethora of mental health issues with me, including eating disorders, BDD, and psychosis. I had little connection to my soul and inner voice because my identity was stolen from me as a child. Then, I saw firsthand how the photographers and agents changed my image to fit what they wanted, all to make a profit. And that’s all it has ever been about: money. Advertisers don’t think about, “Is this going to be good for consumers’ souls?” Because really, the majority of products are not. As a model on the other side, the business damaged me; it almost killed me. So take it from me: go down deep into your soul and find out who you really are. Speak loving, kind words to yourself, and do the same to your children because they become the way that you speak to them. Beauty is not bad, but it’s not everything. Real beauty comes from within.

- - - - -

Prologue 

Darkness descends upon the room, signaling my arrival. Behind the curtain, I can feel my breath, waiting for permission to exhale. My knees quiver with apprehension as whispers drone from the crowd outside. From my spot behind the platform, I notice the flares from cameras and spotlights, like shooting stars in a strange, forsaken sky. I can already feel the eyes of the people as they stare at the empty runway, waiting for their goddesses to strut. My throat clenches and my mind empties—anxiety has taken control. What will they think of me?


There is no time to think; a lady dressed in black flies to my side and grabs my arm. Her face in a twisted panic, she begs me to step onto the stage. I agree, but deep within, I sense the devil laughing among the restless souls in the crowd, draped in a dark Armani suit.


I prance down the runway like a queen, my body dripping with jewels. Like a lioness, I sway from side to side, moving to entice all who look my way—I am the beast who no one can touch, and no one can tame. As I glance at the rows of curious faces, however, the darkness begins to take over. Before I know it, my worst nightmare has returned—the demons have revealed themselves, with their black eyes and mouths full of jagged teeth. I cannot escape them; they are my masters, and I am their slave.


Voices command me to keep moving. “Look forward bitch and keep walking. Don’t screw it up! They’re all going to laugh at you.” I force my head higher and put my shoulders back as I push through the noise and approach the end of the runway. As my feet carry me to the edge, I hear no sound, experience no sensation. Despite the music and commotion, I am lost in a dreamland. How long have I waited to arrive in this spectacular moment? I never imagined I would feel so numb, so vacant. Dozens of cameras pop and crackle as they capture the magnificent creature before them. I perform, but inside I feel trapped, imprisoned within my mind. I struggle to remember which turn I should take next, and instead act like the beautiful model I am supposed to be.


Stiffening my quivering thighs, I manage to hold my broken body up higher than before. I turn to leave and feel thousands of eyeballs latch onto my back—they’re all stabbing me with their eyes like butcher knives. My brain is on fire, but I continue to sashay down the runway like a glamorous mannequin. The masters hold tremendous power over me—they are my gods. Their convictions weigh upon my back until it begins to shatter. Whispers trickle into the air like a dark swarm of ghoulish obscurities, filled with gossip and mockery. As I turn around for my final pose, the whispers mutate into the buzzing of a million angry, swarming bees.


“NIKKI, NIKKI, NIKKI!”


Sweating, I look out into the crowd once more. I see nothing and can feel only the beating of my heart. Thoughts of my meaty thighs consume my mind, and distress blinds me. Flashbacks of my stomach bouncing under the sweltering lights drive me to the breaking point, and all at once I fear I might implode from insanity.


“Nikki! Nikki! You are unbelievable, just incredible, darling!”


A leggy model grabs my arm as I step off the stage. Thick adrenaline rushes through my veins.
“We were all watching you back here on the monitor, cheering you on the entire time! What are
you doing after the show? A bunch of us girls are going out to dinner and dancing.”


The tall, thin redhead joins me in a huddle by the exit. She watches my face, but her smile fades as she realizes that I have no interest in talking.


“Thanks, honestly it was nothing. I—I gotta go.”



I change into my clothes and slip out the side door before the designer can discover I’ve left. I stash the jeweled lingerie in my purse and call a cab. Inside the taxi, I replay the scenes over and over again; the memories are suffocating, far from the life I had always imagined. My moments of fame and brilliance are over. Who am I? I’m certainly not special, but a joke, a clothes hanger for everyone to admire and forget. My only happiness lies in destroying myself.

I slam the door of my apartment and run to the refrigerator to get my hands on anything that will quiet the painful memories; whatever will kill the maniacal voices . . . hell, will kill me too. Tearing open package after package of chips and cookies, I shove them into my mouth and fall onto the kitchen floor. After an hour of binging, my swollen stomach signals me to crawl into the bathroom and purge. I need to get rid of the voices, release the misery. Blood rushes to my head and my veins flood with adrenaline. The filth leaves my body in unforgiving streams of regret and terror. I want to look away as my eyes fill with tears, but the insanity demands my attention. “Look at it, you stupid whore. Get it out before it’s too late!” My body, throat and brain cry out in agony as I continue to purge and punch my stomach, each time harder than the last; as I do, scenes of the fashion show flash in front of me. I want to expel all of those memories out—I want to get the demons out. I stare at the vomit as it swirls in the toilet—this is my value, this I am sure of. Coughing and wheezing through each forceful push, I feel torn between feelings of vulgarity and relief as I watch every bit spew out of my aching mouth. Blinded by my tears, I clean up any clues and spray perfume to erase the memories. The voices are exhausting, but I can’t stop succumbing to their callings—at the end of it all, the sickness lets me know I’m alive.


I cleanse my stinging mouth, puffy face, and bloated body in the shower, asking a God I do not know to forgive me for the sins I have just committed. I run my hands over my soaking flesh and gasp for air. Already insanity is creeping back, taunting me to consume more food in isolation. I try to ignore the voices, but the obsession grows as I divert my attention to the mirror and brush my thinning hair. For a fleeting moment I recognize myself, but the demonic voices slither in and steal my sanity.


“You ugly monster, you call yourself a model? You’re not even attractive! You’re a worthless piece of shit; that’s what you are. You made a fool of yourself out there tonight. They were all laughing at you; everyone is always laughing at you!” I suddenly travel back to my childhood and my stepfather’s vitriolic insults. I wonder if I have ever been worthy of anything valuable in my life; if anything has ever been real. Despair slices away at my insides slowly, deeply.
My churning desire for food rises to a level beyond anything that I can handle, and my senses radiate with fire as the voices talk to me again, this time taking on a clever, tempting tone. “There’s all that delicious food in the kitchen, you know you can’t wait to get your fat hands on it. What’s the big deal? You’ll just get rid of it.” My heart races with excitement and fear as I think about the food; I cannot separate myself from my delirium any longer.


No amount of food is safe from my frenzy, and I choke on more fistfuls of cookies and cake. I am unrecognizable, a savage seeking to destroy herself. I crawl over to the bedroom and flick on the television as I continue to binge, but can hear no sound over the voices. “Finish your food
. . . now! It’s such a shame you can’t eat this for real, fat ass! If only you could . . . Hurry up and purge before it reaches your stomach!” The longer it takes to consume the enormous portions, the more I sweat, the harder my heart beats and the greater my stomach swells until it reaches a size I cannot bear. I can barely breathe, and I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, spreading crumbs, grease, chicken bits, and sweets over my clothes and carpet. I sit in my shame and flip through the channels, stopping on an episode of The Nanny.


As I watch Fran’s smiling face, I feel sadness come over my body. I yearn to be with Momma, The Momma I once knew long ago. I ache for the day when we will be a happy, healthy family, but as the credits begin to roll, I feel the dream slipping away and fall into a deep sleep.

Suddenly, the evil voices interrupt my rest. “Wake up! Do you know what will happen if you fall asleep? You’ll fucking DIE; that’s what!” My stomach feels as if it’s ripping apart; I reach down and notice that the button and zipper on my pants have busted. “That’s because you’re FAT! FAT, FAT, FAT!”


I can’t handle the voices any longer. I want to bash my head on the wall and make them stop, but I grab a gallon of milk instead and begin chugging it as I approach the bathroom. I glance at myself in the mirror—my stomach is protruding, and my pants are hanging down around my calves. The milk is nauseating but comforting; my throat burns from the vomit, but I swallow more creamy liquid to control the heat. Blended concoctions of body fluids, food, and milk splash up from the toilet and hit me in the face, but I don’t care—I gladly accept the abuse. I flush, swallow, purge, repeat—until all evidence is gone.


My head pounds like a swarm of heavy-footed soldiers fighting for freedom in my brain, and I collapse on the ground, attempting to cry but unable to make a sound. All I can feel, smell, taste, and know is the putrid universe that traps me. I drag my body back to my bedroom and crash on my silky comforter, faint and unable to move. I open my eyes and for a moment gaze at my surroundings: a lavish apartment with all of the things money can buy. However, on closer inspection, it is evident that my luxurious surroundings are decaying; my velvet curtains remain shut at all times, and I shun anyone from entering, food from Casa Tua is scattered everywhere, and there is the faint smell of vomit in the air. Perhaps I could have a nice life, filled with real friends, love, and laughter; instead, I’m a prisoner in a glass cage, but I don’t want to break it—to do so will mean a death of some kind. I’m not ready to face that.

- - - - -

About Washed Away and Nikki DuBose

Nikki DuBose is a former model turned author, speaker, and mental health advocate. She recently released her memoir, Washed Away: From Darkness to Light. In Washed Away, Nikki recounts her experiences navigating the dark side of the modeling industry, while battling abuse, addiction, and various mental health issues (sexual victimization, eating disorders, alcoholism, drugs, depression, suicide attempts, body dysmorphic disorder, PTSD, psychosis). She recently appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Network on the TD Jakes Show to speak about her recovery from Body Dysmorphic Disorder and eating disorders, and how the pressure to "fit into" the modeling industry nearly killed her.


“By my early twenties, I was modeling professionally and appeared on the covers of and in editorials for magazines such as Maxim, Glamour, Vogue, FHM, and Vanity Fair. But while my career was going exceptionally well, my private life was falling apart. My mental and emotional health were in shambles. I went from one extreme to the other to meet weight requirements for photo shoots, and quickly fell into anorexia nervosa. At times I struggled to survive, beginning to abuse diet pills as a way to achieve the figure that my agents were pushing me to have for fashion shoots,” says DuBose.

Because of the lack of laws and protections, models have long been subjected to sexual and financial abuse, bullying from agents, and have been pressured to lose so much weight that many have developed devastating, even fatal eating disorders.


Nikki’s recovery from a nearly lifelong struggle with PTSD, psychosis, addictions and eating disorders has left her with a passionate longing to help others who are also suffering. Although the modeling industry has made strides towards body diversity in the past couple of years, there is a lack of education and awareness surrounding eating disorders and other mental health issues. Washed Away: From Darkness to Light serves as a testimony to others to let them know that they are not alone in their fears, doubts, and frustrations, and that through recovery all things are possible.

Praise:


"A compelling and educational read about the dark side of the fashion business and its effect on mental health. Nikki draws upon her experiences of overcoming a life-threatening eating disorder as she navigates through the industry, all while wrestling with a broken home life and struggling to discover her inner voice. Nikki's story is truly remarkable and will serve as a beacon to anyone who has ever doubted their own intrinsic value. I highly recommend Washed Away: From Darkness to Light.” - Brian Cuban, Attorney, Author (Shattered Image: My Triumph Over Body Dysmorphic Disorder), Activist


“I was truly amazed by her determination to live life. I saw a woman that had every reason to quit and remain silent, but she chose to break through every obstacle that challenged her. I am very grateful that she has taken on the challenge to not only speak about her experience, but to fight for change in laws that will empower children and survivors to protect themselves. We all need to learn from Nikki and use our voices to create positive change. It is no longer okay for the silence to outweigh the tough discussion. Ignorance will not stop child sex predators from harming our children.” - Matthew Sandusky, Founder & Executive

Director of Peaceful Hearts Foundation, Author (Undaunted: Breaking My Silence to Overcome the Trauma of Child Sexual Abuse), Speaker


“To endure what DuBose has within her first decade proves more than most could handle in a lifetime, yet she looks back at her life with grace and a rare honesty. As she takes us through the overly sexualized fashion industry as an international top model, she gives the no-holds barred account on mental illness, rape, and eating disorders that our society so desperately needs.” - Neesha Arter, Journalist & Author (Controlled)


"Washed Away: From Darkness to Light is an incredible story of one brave woman's perseverance in the face of daunting life circumstances. Nikki DuBose details her chilling experiences with an eating disorder, childhood sexual abuse, alcoholism and drug abuse - and how she found the strength to rise above and find recovery. This powerful read will inspire those in their own recovery journeys." - Kristina Saffran, Co-Founder and Co-Executive Director at Project HEAL


About the Author:


Nikki lives in Los Angeles. She recently worked alongside Assembly member Marc Levine on California Assembly Bill 2539, which addressed the need for workplace protections and health standards in the modeling industry.

She is currently working on The Omnibus Child Victims Act, a bill that will help protect New York's children from the trauma of sexual abuse. “I was sexually abused by my mother and a male figure. In my book, I talk about how that led to mental illnesses, and my recovery from that, which is why this bill is so important to me,” says Nikki.


Nikki gives talks regularly on her recovery at universities and treatment centers. Her advocacy work and recovery story has been profiled on CBS Los Angeles, People, Vogue UK, Esquire, India Times, Inquisitr, and many others. She also writes extensively on mental health, political issues, and exposes the truth about the modeling industry on The Huffington Post, the National Eating Disorders Association, Eating Disorder Hope, Clinical Recovery Institute, and Recovery Warriors. She also recently contributed as an expert reviewer for Harvard University's STRIPED program (Strategic Training Initiative for the Prevention of Eating Disorders), helping craft their lesson for this new semester, which focuses on modeling and eating disorders.

To learn more, go to http://nikkidubose.com/ 

Book Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Fop6kvFZI8

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/The.Nikki.DuBose

Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheNikkiDuBose

In My TBR Stack:

God and Starbucks: An NBA Superstar's Journey Through Addiction and Recovery
by Vin Baker with Joe Layden
Amistad Books
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

An astonishing memoir of redemption—the moving story of a former top NBA player who miraculously rebounded from a monumental fall thanks to hard work and his deep, transformative faith.

Sixteen years ago, Vin Baker was an NBA All-Star, an Olympic Gold medalist, and a multimillionaire. While he excelled on the court, Vin harbored a dark secret: a dependency on drugs and alcohol that began after the clean-cut preacher’s son turned pro. Eventually becoming a full-blown yet functional alcoholic, Vin convinced himself he played better under the influence—until his addiction cost him his basketball career, his fortune, and his health. 

But Vin’s story isn’t a tragic fall from grace. It is a joyous tale of salvation. For Vin, hitting rock bottom was a difficult yet transformative experience that led him to renew his relationship with God and embrace life in a rich and fulfilling new way. Today the manager of a Starbucks and a youth minister, Vin has found more security and happiness in his ordinary working life than in all his years in the glamorous world of professional basketball.

God and Starbucks is a wise and unflinching look at the real dangers of addiction and the importance of taking charge of your life with meaning and purpose. It’s a powerful memoir about reaching the top and beginning again from the bottom—an inspiring personal tale of humility and grace that reminds us what is truly important in our lives.

On My Radar:

The Quarterback Whisperer: How to Build an Elite NFL Quarterback
by Bruce Arians with Lars Anderson
Hachette Books
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

What is an elite NFL QB and what separates that player from the others? One answer is the coach they share. In the recent history of the biggest game on earth, one man is the common thread that connects several of the very best in the sport: Peyton Manning; Ben Roethlisberger; Andrew Luck; and the resurgent Carson Palmer. That coach is Bruce Arians.

A larger than life visionary who trained under the tutelage of Bear Bryant, Arians has had a major impact on the development and success of each of these players. For proof beyond the stats, go to the sources. 

Bruce is gonna love you when you need some loving, but he's gonna jump on you when you're not doing right. - Peyton Manning

He coaches the way players want to be coached. - Ben Roethlisberger

He made players comfortable around him and let everybody have their own personality. He didn't force anybody to be someone they weren't. It may sound a little corny or cheesy, but there's merit to that. I felt comfortable being myself and I felt he had my back. - Andrew Luck

We're a resilient group. It trickles down from the head coach. I think good teams, really good teams, and hopefully great teams take on their coach's mentality. I think that's what B.A. brings... - Carson Palmer

Known around the game as the 'quarterback whisperer', Arians has an uncanny ability to both personally connect with his quarterbacks and to locate what the individual triggers are for that player to succeed. No two quarterbacks are the same. And yet with Arians they always share success. In this book Arians will explain how he does it.

On My Radar:

In the Days of Rain: A Daughter, A Father, A Cult
by Rebecca Stott
Random House
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

Rebecca Stott grew up in in Brighton, England, as a fourth-generation member of the Exclusive Brethren, a cult that believed the world is ruled by Satan. In this closed community, books that didn’t conform to the sect’s rules were banned, women were subservient to men and were made to dress modestly and cover their heads, and those who disobeyed the rules were punished and shamed. Yet Rebecca’s father, Roger Stott, a high-ranking Brethren minister, was a man of contradictions: he preached that the Brethren should shun the outside world, yet he kept a radio in the trunk of his car and hid copies of Yeats and Shakespeare behind the Brethren ministries. Years later, when the Stotts broke with the Brethren after a scandal involving the cult’s leader, Roger became an actor, filmmaker, and compulsive gambler who left the family penniless and ended up in jail.
 
A curious child, Rebecca spent her insular childhood asking questions about the world and trying to glean the answers from forbidden library books. Only when she was an adult and her father was dying of cancer did she begin to understand all that had occurred during those harrowing years. It was then that Roger Stott handed her the memoir he had begun writing about the period leading up to what he referred to as the traumatic “Nazi decade,” the years in the 1960s in which he and other Brethren leaders enforced coercive codes of behavior that led to the breaking apart of families, the shunning of members, even suicides. Now he was trying to examine that time, and his complicity in it, and he asked Rebecca to write about it, to expose all that was kept hidden.
 
In the Days of Rain is Rebecca Stott’s attempt to make sense of her childhood in the Exclusive Brethren, to understand her father’s role in the cult and in the breaking apart of her family, and to come to be at peace with her relationship with a larger-than-life figure whose faults were matched by a passion for life, a thirst for knowledge, and a love of literature and beauty. A father-daughter story as well as a memoir of growing up in a closed-off community and then finding a way out of it, this is an inspiring and beautiful account of the bonds of family and the power of self-invention.

In My TBR Stack:

The Longevity Plan: Seven Life-Transforming Lessons from Ancient China
by Dr. John Day and Jane Day with Matthew LaPlante
Harper Books
Hardcover

From the publisher's website:

From a renowned Johns Hopkins- and Stanford-educated cardiologist at Intermountain Medical Center—a hospital system that President Obama has praised as an "island of excellence"—comes the story of his time living in Longevity Village in China, and the seven lessons he learned there that lead to a happy, healthy, long life.

At forty-four, acclaimed cardiologist John Day was overweight and suffered from insomnia, degenerative joint disease, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. On six medications and suffering constant aches, he needed to make a change. While lecturing in China, he’d heard about a remote mountainous region known as Longevity Village, a wellness Shangri-La free of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, obesity, dementia, depression, and insomnia, and where living past one hundred—in good health—is not uncommon.

In the hope of understanding this incredible phenomenon, Day, a Mandarin speaker, decided to spend some time living in Longevity Village. He learned everything he could about this place and its people, and met its centenarians. His research revealed seven principles that work in tandem to create health, happiness, and longevity—rules he applied to his own life. Six months later, he’d lost thirty pounds, dropped one hundred points off his cholesterol and twenty-five points off his blood pressure, and was even cured of his acid reflux and insomnia. In 2014 he began a series of four-month support groups comprised of patients who worked together to apply the lessons of Longevity Village to their lives. Ninety-two percent of the participants were able to adhere to their plans and stay on pace to reach their health goals.

Now Dr. Day shares his story and proven program to help you feel sharper, more motivated, productive, and pain-free. The Longevity Plan is not only a fascinating travelogue but also a practical, accessible, and groundbreaking guide to a better life.